Introduction to the Suicide Skwah’d
Based on a true story from Paul Millsap’s daily journal.
Fade in:
Ext. Beach - Evening
PAUL MILLSAP, JEFF TEAGUE, and AL HORFORD sit reclining on expensive chairs, red, yellow, and green respectively. Next to them is a cooler and a grill. Paul takes a swig of his beer.
Paul: I can’t wait to start the next season with you guys, man. I have a feeling we can win the championship this year.
Jeff and Al look at each other worriedly. Teague turns to Paul.
Jeff: Uh… that’s what I’ve been meaning to tell you, Paul. Al and I are moving on.
Paul spits out his beer.
Paul: What do you mean, “moving on”?
Al: Well, we just thought we weren’t fully appreciated back in Atlanta. They brought in Dwight to replace me, and Dennis was on his way to taking Jeff’s job. DEYTOOKERJERBS! - Sorry, it comes out once in a while.
Paul sits up, holding his beer in dismay.
Paul: Well I should’ve known this was coming. Who are you guys playing for now?
Jeff: The Pawnee Pacers.
Paul looks up to see Al, now a leprechaun, doing the Jitterbug. He has an evil smirk on his face.
Al: Call me “Snek”.
Int. Police Station - Break Room - Night
TIM HARDAWAY JR. smokes a cheap brand of cigarettes, sitting at a table next to MIKE MUSCALA (Moose). They sit in front of a chessboard, and Tim moves a piece.
Tim: Checkmate.
Moose clasps his hands on his head.
Moose: Darn it! You always beat me.
Tim taps his cigarette and leans back in his chair.
Tim: Chess is all about analyzing your opponent.
Suddenly, the break room door shoots open, and MIKE BUDENHOLZER (Bud) bolts in.
Bud: We got a situation, boys.
Moose: What is it, sir?
Bud: It’s Horford. He’s… been captured by The Midget.
Tim and Moose gasp.
Moose: We have to get him back!
Bud: You guys can’t do it alone. We’re gonna have to get the old crew back together.
Tim: You don’t mean…?
Int. Sewers - Night
In the deep, dark corner of the sewer, MIKE SCOTT squats near the sewage waste, sniffing, almost like a canine. He hears FOOTSTEPS above him, and he looks up, alarmed.
Above him, the sewer lid opens, and Tim and Moose hop down into the sewer.
Tim: Damn, I can’t believe you live down here now, man.
Mike Scott, in the shadows, squints at Tim.
Mike: How did you find me?
Tim: Chief Bud. He has all the records of the old crew.
Mike stays silent. Out of nowhere, he reaches into the waste and pulls out a rat. He tears it up and chomps down on its guts. Moose gags, but Tim is determined.
Tim: We need you, Mike.
Mike: Why? You got him now.
He nods toward Moose.
Tim: You have to put that behind you. You were injured. He had a manbun.
Mike: True. Fine. But only if I get a job after this.
Tim scratches his head, unsure.
Tim: Sure, buddy.
Ext. Military Base - Day
A few soldiers jog past a large inflammable case with a hatch door. Tim, Moose, and Mike Scott approach the case. Tim peaks inside.
Inside, THABO SEFELOSHA sits, cross-legged, staring into space. Tim knocks on the window on the door. Thabo looks up at him.
Tim: Um. Sup dude. How you been?
Thabo simply shakes his head with fury and sadness in his eyes.
Thabo: I ain’t coming out. Not after what the NYPD did to me.
Tim: That was years ago, Thabo! We’re on good terms with them now.
Thabo: You can’t make me go back out there.
Tim stands up straight and looks at Moose and Mike.
Tim: Alright, it looks like we have no choice.
Moose looks into the case.
Moose: You’re buddy Pero is outside.
Thabo’s face lights up, he rushes to open the hatch door.
Thabo: Really!? Where-
Moose and Mike grab him throw him out of the case.
Tim: Sorry Thabo. You gave us no choice.
Int. Solitary Confinement Cell - Day
Inside, KYLE KORVER fights a punching bag. His last blow blows up the bag. He wipes his head and sits down on his bed.
The slab on the door opens, and Tim peaks in.
Tim: Kyle?
Kyle stands up and looks at him.
Kyle: Tim?
Tim: My goodness man, you’re jacked now!
Kyle flexes his guns.
Kyle: Yeah. Not much else to do here. What’s up? I haven’t talked to a human being in 32 months.
Tim: We need your help. It’s… Horford. The Midget got him.
Int. Prison Cell - Night
Inside a lone cell surrounded by precisely 8 guards with rifles is KENT BAZEMORE. Half-naked, he casually does a split while hanging upside down on a swingset that is for some reason inside the cell.
Tim walks into the room, upstairs, away from the cell.
Tim: My God.
Kent looks up at him and grins widely.
Kent: Are you… the devil?
Tim: What? No. I’m Tim. Tim Hardaway Jr. You don’t remember me?
Kent drops down from the set, graceful as a swan. In fact, he has a tou-tou on.
Kent: Are you here to punish me?
Tim: No. Quite the opposite, actually. We need to bring the old crew back together. They have Horford.
Kent’s face changes from cocky to shock.
Kent: What?! They have my Horf-
He runs into the cage, but gets knocked back from its electric charge.
Tim: The Midget has him.
Kent: Let me out! I need my Horfy!!!
Tim: We’ll let you out on one condition.
Kent: Anything!
Tim: Admit that I’m a better police officer than you ever were, and you didn’t deserve to be in the special operations unit over me.
Kent backs up and grins.
Kent: $70 million.
Tim: Don’t push me, Kent.
Kent: You know why they put me in the unit above you?
Tim: Why?
Kent: Two words. De. Fence.
Ext. Military Base - Day
The whole crew stands in a line: Moose, Mike, Thabo, Kyle, and Kent, and Tim paces back and forth in front of them.
Tim: I have gathered you all here for an important mission - one that only you guys can accomplish.
Moose raises his hand.
Moose: Actually, we have Dwight and Schroder on retainer, why didn’t we just-
Tim: SILENCE FOOL!
Moose zips his mouth.
Tim: Our mission is to save our beloved friend Horford, now self-proclaimed as “Snek”. Our plan is to walk through the city, have these guards-
He nods toward several soldiers with rifles.
Tim: -protect you the entire time.
Moose: Why didn’t these soldiers just-
Tim: One more word from you and I will slit your throat.
Moose zips his mouth again. Kyle smirks.
Kyle: So what are we, some kinda Suicide Skwah’d?
FADE OUT.
Submitted November 23, 2016 at 09:51PM by duhpolan