Condolences to your job at Cleveland, David. But hey, if you come to the Suns, it'll be a cushy job for you. Let me list out some reasons why:
- ZERO expectations. We're expected to suck for the next 5 years, and if we miraculously get on .500 under your wing then it'll just be considered overachieving. NO pressure whatsoever.
- Entertaining basketball. Yeah we suck, but we still bring in the tickets even with a humongous losing record because of plays like these. With you at the helm, it will still be entertaining, but amidst all that suckiness we'll surely see some flashes of genius and you sir, can make it happen.
- We broke the curse of losing to last-minute baskets! I don't know who has it now, probably the Hawks, so you're free from fearing heartbreaks after playing good defense for 47 minutes.
- Our team is also incredibly low-maintenance.
- Let's start with Devin Booker. He's a great shooter, a good slasher, he's handsome, and did I mention that he's handsome? Rookie face of the year, even Porzingis has nothing on Devin Bling.
- Markieff Morris does not have the same power as Lebron, so don't worry if he dislikes you or shouts you down or if he doesn't have respect for you. If Hornacek can still be at his seat right now without fear of being booted, then you're also guaranteed to be in that position.
- Our big men are perfect for your offense! Mirza Threesus is like a more hustling Channing Frye, while Jon Leuer can shoot and dunk whenever you want him to. The only reason why they're not excelling is because they depend on fixed gameplans and rotations; with Bledsoe out, they can't bring their A game. Our 5 can also shoot the three if you want, his name is Alex Len. Our PF rotation is Euroleague material, perfect for you.
- PJ Tucker can live on two things alone: shoes and defense.
- Archibald Goodwin is actually good and entertaining now. Your smarts could push him to a higher level. His homies could also release better songs as a result of that.
- Tyson Chandler will grab all the rebounds for you. Maybe shout at a teammate or two.
- Brandon Knight is the X-factor of our team. One night he'll score buckets and the rest of the week he'll be Shaqtin' material. Still a great investment, because it guarantees TV time for the whole year. No other team in the NBA can boast that.
- TJ Warren is a great fit for your offense, David. All he does is sneak backdoor and thrive in the zone. He's a 90s forward in the 2000s, you'll have great use for him.
- We also got Sonny Weems, Lorenzo Brown, and Cory Jefferson. Extra bodies to throw at Lebron when the time comes.
Sounds good, right? All we ask of you is to develop our young core. No vets who will cry from lack of PT (even Kieff doesn't cry about it anymore). You don't wanna go to the Timberwolves. It's cold there, Garnett is old, and Booker is more handsome than KAT.
You can be our Pop, David. Please consider the Suns. Work your magic over us.
McD will be open for calls if you're interested.
Thank you for your time.
Submitted January 25, 2016 at 08:29AM by ximca
Please, David Blatt, come to the Phoenix Suns.
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